Serious

"Oh, no. What have you done? What have you DONE?" Before I can stop myself I say it again, "What have you done?"

"I tried to ask Lucy for help," Jane peers around the open fridge. I stare at an egg carton splayed across the floor, thirteen eggs smashed on the hardwood. Yokes ooze into puddles. She stares at me.

"Ugh." I punctuate my displeasure with groans. "Someone get me a roll of paper towels," I shout. "What do you mean you asked Lucy to help? You should have set the strawberries DOWN and THEN moved the eggs."

No one answers. I slop yolk and shell into the bungled carton, grumble and groan, wheel out paper towels, scoop gelled remains. "Here. Take this to the trash." I smash the lid on the carton, thrust it toward Jane.

The front storm door clatters. I sigh. Thirteen eggs. Thir. teen. eggs. What a mess.

My words still hang in the air, a stench like burnt stew. They linger. I stare at the streaked floor. I wet down my anger and stare, sag, sigh. Why am I making such a terrible template for them to follow? I feel the ugly words around me, inside me.

Jane slides onto the bench at the kitchen table, gathers crayons and paper. I slip in next to her. We sit. The moment bunches up around us.

"Jane, I'm sorry." I shake my head. "Did I make you feel bad about that?" I find her eyes. She blinks.

"No," she says. "You have to be pretty harsh to make me feel bad." She shrugs, "I don't usually feel bad unless I think people are really serious."

"Oh." I watch her eyes, guileless like her father. "Ok. Well, I still shouldn't talk to you that way. Would you forgive me? That's not a right way to talk."

"Yeah." She grabs a yellow crayon. I lean on an elbow.

Effortless as a crayon picture she smooths these frayed ends of pregnancy and stands on her own two feet.

Gratitude:

2013. How Lucy wonders, "Do you think God will have picture Bibles in heaven for the kids?"

2014. And her furrowed brow, "Why does your skin get wrinkly when you're about to die?" And Jane nodding, "And then you start shrinking."

2015. Lucy's advice shouted to Jack, "If you sit on the toilet too long, your butt will start to hurt."

2016. Jane's encouragement, "You're being nice, Momma. Something has gotten into you, and you are just being nice."

2017. How Lucy keeps asking to go see Great-Grampa.

2018. How Jane recognizes her cousin Jude is an encourager, "Judo always tells me, 'Good job,' Mom."

2019. Two birthday parties in one week for cousins on both sides. How they make the simple things eclipse the big.

2020. Pancakes and fruit with friends.

2021. A camera lesson from a pro on how to use the camera's manual setting.

2022. Myra's new ploy to call, "Momma wipe poo-poo," anytime, night or day, she wants me to come running.

2023. Lucy's observation, "God's the BEST boss."

2024. How Jane explains, "I like to hear other people's ideas and think about how they are different than my ideas and play them over and over in my mind. And they just keep getting more and more different."

2025. Learning that a simple explanation is better than a mystery for a mind like hers.

2026. Lucy'e explanation for a red mark on her hand, "I put a little bit of my spit on one mark, and it came off."

2027. Catching Myra licking the honey lid out of the trash.

2028. Watching Jack wrestle, seeing that resolve to never give up, never give up.

2029. How Myra in my arms and babe in my belly come out unscathed when I stumble head first into the pavement en route to watch Jack's match.

2030. How the skinned knee and scraped ear, sore shoulder and torn tights, remind me the kids are ok.

2031. Knit fabric.

2032. A pie crust shield.

2033. How Lucy studies the fake trophy Ellin gave her and frowns, "Why did she write #1 on it," she says, "when I'm #3." And how we laugh with our third born.

2034. How Myra snuggled on my lap all through church today.

2035. Sleeping more and worrying less.

2036. Eating strawberries and ice cream almost every night.

2037. Playing Canasta with Craig until he's won one too many.

2038. Letting go of my expectations of this baby's delivery and taking it as it comes.

2039. And praying for what we should name this little boy.

A Tolken

"Momma, I could make that go faster for you by helping."

Jack stands in the kitchen doorway, eyebrows arched. Striped footie jammies and still he looks tall. I clatter four plates into a stack, pull another four from the dishwasher. He waits.

I pause.

"Aw, honey, that's a nice offer, but it's time for you to get in bed." I nod while I talk, tilt my head.

He nods too. "Ok."

I hug him. He kisses my tummy. "Love you."

Footie jams scruff down the hall. I assemble stacks of white dishes in the cupboards, pile silverware, sort plastic plates and glasses.

I turn his offer over in my mind, picture the quiet serving side by side, how he says, "Here, Momma," and, "I can do that," when he helps. In the yellow light of the kitchen, I wish I'd said yes. A tolken of love rolls out of sight like a lost penny back behind the fridge.

Gratitude:

1991. Lucy's new song, "Mommy Knows The Muffin Man".

1992. And her question, "What's God's middle name?"

1993. How Myra kisses my belly to copy the big kids.

1994. How Jane helps me empty the dishwasher during her free time.

1995. How Myra uses a hand towel to clean up when the pencil sharpener spills.

1996. Soup with cilantro, grapes, fresh bread.

1997. Children sparring over who likes black beans most.

1998. The chessboard of marriage and the continual reminder: We are on the same side. We fight a common enemy.

1999. Angel food cake and strawberries.

2000. Jane's solution, "If someone's sandbaggin' we just whisper sandbagger in their ear so they can just sort of get a sense of life."

2001. Her conclusion, "Birthdays are all about presents. The PEOPLE are the presents."

2002. How Lucy calls our fly swatter a SMACKER.

2003. How Craig cleans out the sunroom on his day off.

2004. Finding another shirt to stretch into a maternity shirt for a couple of more weeks.

2005. Jack's first little guy wrestling tournament and the clan of family that flocks to cheer and watch.

2006. How after Myra gets in trouble she leans in and kisses me.

2007. How I ask Jack what he would ask Jesus if he were sitting right here and Jane pipes up, "Like how long 'til this world is gonna be destroyed? And when are we gonna go to Heaven?"

2008. Her evaluation, "I think it's gonna be a while before everyone really accepts the new baby as part of the family and is nice to him."

2009. Figuring out how to sleep perfectly propped in pillows for the next few weeks.

2010. The gentle routine of each day and how it makes room for lingering conversations with our children.

2011. Learning that the best way to convince our children to believe like we do is to be completely convinced ourselves.

2012. How this somehow brings our days into balance.

Trust

"So, I want you to read it out loud to me for a while." I lower my chin, nod into Jane's unblinking eyes.

"Why?" She tilts her head. We let the moment of correction turn, slow like a sundial's shadow.

"Because you broke my trust." I wait for the moment to be long enough. "I will always love you and appreciate you and want to be around you. But if you want me to trust you, you have to be very careful with my trust." I watch her turn this over in her mind. A blink. A nod.

And, small like a puff of wind, the moment ebbs. I hug her to my chest. "Just like I have to be very careful with your trust," I say, "if I want you to trust me."

We linger. She kisses my neck. I kiss her forehead.

And silently, like her warmth in my arms, authority circles back, makes a path of equal footing. Isn't this what always happens when we learn to submit to authority?

Night falls, and we're home late. We linger again, the whole car of us stopped at a red light.

"How come if it's a red light and no one's there and you see it's clear, you don't just go?" she wants to know.

Before I can weave a thoughtful answer, the words spill out, "'Cause," I say, "if we did that it would change us into the kind of people that disobey when no one's looking."

There again, that equal footing. The light flashes green, and we speed away home, another glimpse of the path ahead of us.

Gratitude:

1962. The children peeking over shoulders and around elbows to see pencil sketches turn into watercolor painting. How they clamor for paper and paint and try to copy.

1963. A hot fire, warm coffee, salted chocolate and a photo to sketch.

1964. How I ask Myra how she slept and she responds, "BIG."

1965. How Jane tells me that when you read your Bible, you start to think what God thinks.

1966. How Myra makes her baby wave at me.

1967. How Lucy confesses to breaking six eggs.

1968. How Myra raises her hand to be like the big kids.

1969. How Jane, Jack, and Lu all help Myra sled in the backyard.

1970. A whole pizza and all the laughter that went with it.

1971. Myra leaned on the counter watching Craig make scrambled eggs.

1972. How the children have the entire living room turned into a bed when I get up.

1973. How Myra wears Lucy's shoes over her footie jammies.

1974. Jack's exhortation, "Jane, I like it when you clean."

1975. His admiration for Craig, "Daddy, you have fat muscles."

1976. A surprise date from Craig, how he and his buddy make our house feel like a fancy restaurant for an evening. And how it reminds me of the early years, back before kids -- but better.

1977. Lingering conversation with his buddy's wife.

1978. Feta and bacon stuffed chicken, seared green beans, red potatoes, ice cream and rum sauce.

1979. Craig's wild enthuasiam over his latest project: mealworms. And how he greets me Friday morning, "Wanna see my mealworms?"

1980. Noticing what beautiful hands my mother has.

1981. A blue wallet purse that even holds my keys.

1982. Waking up to "Oh, My Darlin'" on Jane's dulcimer.

1983. Jack's latest inquiry, "Will I have rubber toots because I swallowed my gum?"

1984. Meatball soup and apple crisp.

1985. A vintage cutting-board.

1986. Jack's admonition as waits patiently to feel the baby kick, "Shhhh, if you're quiet you can hear him kick."

1987. Three of the four kids poised, hands on my belly waiting for a baby kick. And how Myra tries to copy, her hand on Jack's shoulder.

1988. How when one of our chickens winds up dead under the little ramp, Craig handles all after death proceedings.

1989. Babe still growing in my belly and the calm before the storm of major life change -- birth.

1990. Taking each day in small measures and being faithful in the small things.

Angry

"I'm turning this off, 'cause I don't like the way this guy is talking." Craig pops the power button on the radio with the palm of his hand. "There."

On the way home from ice skating, Jack and Jane sit in the back seat. Coats, mittens, hats, scarves, snow pants form a landslide around them.

"What do you mean?" Jane asks.

"How is he talking?" Jack wrinkles his forehead.

Craig eyes them in the rearview mirror, passes a red Subaru. "He's angry so he's using bad words," he says.

"Like WHAT?" Jack makes his eyes round. Craig switches lanes, slows to turn left at our corner.

"You know Jack," Jane jumps in, "it's like when you're mad and you say FART instead of TOOT."

"Oh." With that they round the corner and pull up to our house as if all the world's problems have been solved.

Gratitude:

1942. How when I ask Myra to get shoes on she comes out with a spiderman slipper and a sock on.

1943. How Lucy hops belly up on the table, leans on an elbow and watches me work on a project.

1944. Her commentary, "Dad actually makes gooder things than us."

1945. How Myra slurps when she eats an orange.

1946. How Jane lies on the grass and spins a shiny pinwheel in the sun before the snowstorm hits.

1947. How Jack and Lu come in from playing outback and Jane pauses in Math. "Mmmm, they smell like outside," she says.

1948. How Lucy pats her tummy, "I don't know why my belly is getting big," she says, "but I think it might be 'cause there's a baby in my tummy."

1949. How when Jack gets in trouble we pray together. And how when I say I can't understand what he's saying he says, "Oh. Do you think God could?" And we agree he can.

1950. How Myra brings me her blankie when I sleep in.

1951. Teaching the children to obey the first time we ask and the harmony it brings to our home.

1952. How we giggle and laugh over the tiny diapers I've made for the baby.

1953. A frying pan big enough to cook eggs for all of us.

1954. Short grain rice with lime and browned butter.

1955. Learning Canasta and how to be a good sport. Again.

1956. Fried chicken and blackberry pie.

1957. Settling into a season of waiting, seven weeks now until the baby's due.

1958. All the name suggestions. (Thank-you!!) And how we pour over them like a bag full of marbles waiting for one to seem just right.

1959. Learning and praying to be gentle, to let quiet words speak for themselves.

1960. Learning to not laugh at things that aren't funny.

1961. Learning again how small I am and how big God is.

Questions

"You're being like me asking Momma TWO times," Janie nods to Jack. "Sometimes I get a different answer I like better."

From around the corner, elbow deep in dishes, I take mental note. The never ending rain of questions, they're mapping my every move.

Gratitude:

1918. Jane's assessment of Psalm 139, "If you get an air tank and go to the bottom of the sea and bury yourself in the sand, God still knows where you are."

1919. Lucy trying to sound grown up, "Frow-up tastes like juice."

1920. Jack's offer, "I'll help you, Jane. I don't want you to be left out."

1921. And his commentary, "I tighten up my butt when I'm holding a toot."

1922. How I show Craig my progress on the boys' room and find the children have a fort under the baby crib.

1923. How Craig takes a vacation day and spends it taking our children on dates.

1924. Time with my mom parsing out motherhood and children, learning from someone who knows more than me.

1925. Evenings working another puzzle down by the fire, Prince Caspian audio book in the background.

1926. Baby things lent from a friend in CA.

1927. A dentist visit, teeth polished clean.

1928. A fresh shower curtain.

1929. Myra, arms raised to be held.

1930. How she shouts, "I SWALLOWED," from the dinner table when we insist she eat what was served.

1931. A day on the farm, a pot roast feast, apple crisp and a nap to draw the afternoon long. Mother-in-law who spins all things possible.

1932. A string of pearls and all the history and heritage that came with it.

1933. A birthday party for the February birthdays in the family, all the ferris wheels of conversation and carnival of children, the litany of appreciation for each birthday person.

1934. Lucy's progress as a hairdresser, "Look, I braided my bear's ears."

1935. Her birthday wish, "I want an animal that is a real animal that sprays stinky stuff."

1936. How she calls scones, STONES.

1937. How Myra shushes Lucy's doll.

1938. How Jane's suddenly taller than the light switches around the house.

1939. "I have something that I want to sell for two hundred dollars: my magnet drawing thing." Jack starting to notice how the world works.

1940. How Myra sits on my lap and whispers, "Mum-mum, hi."

1941. Learning not to fret over if I said or did the perfect thing and just step into the next moment.

Lead On

"Momma, I'm sorry," Jane shakes her head. "Will you forgive me for trying to make it look like I'm working when I'm really just sandbagging?"

The living room a kaleidoscope of laundry and legos, dollies and dart guns, velcro shoes, rain boots, socks and tinker toys dispersed like tide, I sigh. I smile at her tilted head, curls askew. "Yeah, I forgive you."

And so it is, all the counterpoint of discipline and training and it comes to this: repentance. Suddenly, she's easy to lead. Fierce girl that she is, strength under control is greater strength yet.

Gratitude:

1900. Lucy's announcement, "If it's on the bottom right, that means it's in the middle."

1901. Family puttering around the table making breakfast together.

1902. How when I tell Jane that flattery will get you nowhere she asks, "Is flattery a street?"

1903. Family gathered for cousin's birthday, and how we laugh and visit, three conversations going at once, and land soft and tired for bed.

1904. Thai peanut sauce made from scratch.

1905. A trip to two grocery stores and home in less than an hour, a record to be sure.

1906. Jack crossing the street alone, off to fight nerf wars with the cousins.

1907. How he could jump off practically anything.

1908. Craig home safe from a conference away from home.

1909. Excavating the playroom into the new baby's and Jack's room, and all the help that went with it.

1910. Refurbishing cloth diapers in tiny sizes for new baby boy.

1911. The continued search for a one syllable boy name that Craig and I both love. (Any suggestions?)

1912. Jane's observation, "Daddy can make practically anyone laugh."

1913. How she wakes me this morning, "Momma, will you get up, I'm dressed and already ready for church."

1914. How when I tell Jack he's a nice boy he says, "You're a nice girl! Or woman."

1915. A road trip with the kids to run an errand.

1916. My huge belly and how all the quiet moments are filled with baby kicks and life moving inside.

1917. Learning the hard road of setting standards high and expecting the children to jump.

Prayers

"God, help me to make nothing fair and love my neighbor as myself." Eyes squinched shut on bottom bunk, Jack pieces together the golden rule.

"Help us to do whatever you ask," Jane adds. "Thank-you that I get to have a big family."

Across the room, Lucy pulls her thumb out of her mouth. "Jesus, thank-you that everything impossible is for the Lord. Amen."

And amen.

Gratitude:

1882. Casual conversation with Lucy, "Jack said in the playroom, if I didn't clean he would pull my ponytail out. But he forgot."

1883. The gradual ebb and flow of keeping this house tidy.

1884. How Lucy plays with my hair when we read Bibles.

1885. How Myra kisses me on the nose at breakfast.

1886. Lucy's raised eyebrows and, "I'm reading my Bible silently."

1887. And her offhand commentary on Craig, "He's a sweet man, pretty sweet to me."

1888. Jane's insight, "Hey Momma, can I tell you something that's true? It actually kind of hurts when you fall on the ice."

1889. How Jack rests his hand on my shoulder when we read Bibles.

1890. Relaxing with old high school friends.

1891. Jack bounding down the stairs, "Jane, Let's go read to each other even though it's not a school day."

1892. Peach pie and blackberry pie made all in one day in case Craig wanted birthday pie for breakfast.

1893. How even on his birthday, he makes the day perfect for me.

1894. Two hours sleeping away a headache, straight through dinner.

1895. A kiwi green candle and thank-you notes with a with a red finch on the side.

1896. A superbowl party with chili and cornbread and children run blissfully tired.

1897. Hand-me-down cloth diapers, bright primary colors for baby boy.

1898. Hand-me-down crib and clothes.

1899. Maneuvering these tired days into moments where our children pray and for all the grace of God, our flaws fall back to the shadows.